It's that time again!  The awards this year are classic. These awards are
 given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through
 single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable
 elements from the human gene pool.

 5th RUNNER-UP Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who  died when he hit a
 lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a
 foam pad.  The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central
 Mammoth Hospital.  The accident occurred about 3a.m.,the Mono County
 Sheriff's department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a
 ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift
 towers, said Lt.Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department.  The
 pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers.  The group apparently
 used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower.
 It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one
 with its pad removed.

 4th RUNNER-UP Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a
 St.  Louis market.  When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo
 grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying.
 Police found him unconscious in front of the store.  Paramedics removed the
 six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.

 3rd RUNNER-UP Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag
 standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it
 fell on him.

 2nd RUNNER-UP "Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party
 (probably related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the
 .22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap
 into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips,
 teeth, and tongue.  Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as
 a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D.  Payne.
 "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to
 explode it." "It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set
 it off." He put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out
 and his lips and tongue off, Payne said.  Stromyer was listed in guarded
 condition  Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a
 spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division.  "I just can't imagine
 anyone doing something like that," Payne said.
 
 

      1st RUNNER-UP Doctors at Portland University
 Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is
 lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital.  Tony
 Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a
 men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid
 Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grant's Pass, Oregon.  A friend tried to shoot a
 beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye.  Doctors
 said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel
 would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly.  Neurosurgeon
 Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow
 went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of
 his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels.  Delashaw
 also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely
 would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his
 friends had been drinking that afternoon.  Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb
 about this." No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district
 attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.

 Now THIS YEAR'S WINNER.
 (The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the
 great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at
 the George Washington amphitheater.  Having no tickets (but having had 18
 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine
 foot fence and sneak into the show.  They pulled their pickup truck over to
 the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky (who was 100-pounds heavier than
 Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately
 for (the late) Mr.  Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of
 the fence.  Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a
 tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm) by a
 large branch that snagged him by his shorts.  Dangling from the tree with a
 broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him.  Possibly figuring
 the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded
 to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree.  Finally free, Mr.
 Pernicky crashed into holly bushes.  The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE
 body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch
 penetrated his rectum.  To make matters worse, on landing, his pocket knife
 penetrated his thigh.  Mr.  Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain
 and agony, threw him a rope and pull him to safety by tying the rope to the
 pickup truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state,
 he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his
 friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its
 driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive
 internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it
 half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in
 his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air.

 Congratulations gentlemen, you win...